One year later…and I’m back…
Back in the state where I experienced God as…
My Jehovah Jireh (provider)
My Jehovah Nissi (fighter)
My Jehovah Shalom (peace)
My Jehovah Rapha (healer)
…during an incredibly heartbreaking season of loss, I lost…
Someone I admired deeply; my husband.
The picture I had of growing a Christ-centered loving family with my spouse.
The dream of giving my son siblings.
My home I poured my heart into.
3 out of 4 of my precious fur babies.
My childhood piano (maybe that sounds silly to some, but I cherished my moments by that piano and having to leave it behind felt like a piece of me torn).
Trust in men.
Trust in myself.
This list of losses doesn’t capture the seismic magnitude this tidal wave of grief held for me.
On my rainy Tennessee drive back to my hotel room, I decided to drive by my old apartment where I found a year of solace. My mind was preoccupied with more of my present day stressors and as I came up on my apartment God gently reminded me, ‘Elizabeth look, remember our sweet moments and memories made in this place? Remember how I provided this for you? Remember how scared you were but you stepped out in faith anyway, trusting I would provide even when your physical eye couldn’t see the provision yet? My faithfulness has not changed, keep stepping into the doors I open for you.’
I felt so much gratitude in my heart, privileged that a year later I can drive by this place knowing how far God has brought me and during/after an incredibly heartbreaking season I gained…
Unrelenting Hope.
Trust in the body of believers.
Deeper connection with family.
Deeper connection with God.
Joy amidst trials.
Freedom.
Friendships.
Self-Confidence.
Trust in myself.
A song that is not limited on the presence of an instrument.
A renewed love for God and His word.
The list could go on…
Driving through this old apartment complex I felt so grateful for where I find myself at today, as compared to where I was when I lived there. At the time of living there I questioned whether healing for such deep pain was even possible, but now a year later it is hard sometimes remembering exactly how deep that pain felt, for that I am so incredibly grateful for the healing God has given me. Getting to look back and remember all that God had done for me while living here, and seeing His faithful hand on my life and circumstances encouraged my heart that He surely is faithful and will do it again in what currently brings my heart worry today.
“Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice. Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,”
Psalms 105:3-5
Are you forgetting? Maybe there has been some time and distance away from the moments where you experienced God pull you through, where you saw His provision. Or maybe your in the middle of a storm now and it’s so hard to draw your attention to anything other than the big scary stuff. I encourage you to take a trip down memory lane with the Lord and be reminded of His personal goodness in your life and what He has delivered you from. Remember, remember, remember.
Walking in our gratitude can be a sword that cuts down the lies of the enemy.
God wants your heart, whether you are in a season where you can feel gratitude and look back and see clearly how His hand was at work in your life or not, just SHOW UP. Last year I could hardly make space for the parts of me that were thankful because the parts of me that carried my wounds needed so much space and help, and THAT’S OKAY IF THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE AT. Wherever you are honestly at, let God touch and see those parts of you rather than forcing them away in order to keep a ‘grateful posture.’
Forcing your wounded parts away will only leave your gratitude maybe feeling like a task and your wounds festering.
SHOW UP to God with the parts of you that are honestly consuming you and His healing will naturally lead you to a place of genuine gratitude. Yes, there are times when gratitude is a choice, not a feeling, but don’t let forcing gratitude be a way to tuck away the parts of you that need healing. He will faithfully take care of the rest as you continue to show up when you have nothing to offer but your pain.
Take a walk with the Lord and remember His faithful hand, take that walk and talk to Him about your heart.
I love you all! Until next time!
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